As an initial aside, what does the Reader think about capitalizing every word (except the small and common ones) in a blog post? It feels a tad grandiose and also aesthetically awkward. I am considering dropping capitals altogether, but I probably won’t.
I just said something unkind to my best friend, and am now hiding in my(our) room in shame. It was not a horrid thing, but petty and unnecessary. How though can a person ever know when something they have said or done that is hurtful to someone else isn’t actually a horrid thing to have been heard by that person, in that moment?
The statement came from a hurt place somewhere right under the surface of me, but I should be better than that, by now. She is most often right and I am most often wrong – but I only figure this out after some new damage has been done between us.
I actually worry that I am a narcissist fairly often these days. I found the blog of Dr. Eric Perry a while back – a blog that talks about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and other things – and being a typical Internet hypochondriac, had my suspicions about my own lack of self-worth given fresh new life and direction. Am I hollow? What am I doing here? Can I be repaired?
I sometimes look for evidence that I have no core; that all of my words – every single one – are just attempts to shore up a good story about myself. When I read about some of the abusive traits of narcissists, I thankfully don’t see myself in the worst of them… but then every mistake I make in putting my feelings before those of others can feel like a deeper manipulation, if I’m willing to imagine that might be what’s going on. And so I am left to wonder.
Does a narcissist worry about being a narcissist? A quick search of the Internet suggests that I might not be a narcissist, if I am asking myself if I might be a Narcissist (at least, if I’m asking it of the Internet).
It would seem as though I am more likely to just be an occasional jerk sometimes. I am obviously happier to think that this is likely true. I still wonder and worry though at the extent of my selfishness, and whether I am redeemable, and whether I am therefore a healthy presence in the lives of others. All of this worry about me leads me back to wondering what narcissism is, and worrying that I might someday find out that I am one. And so the cycle goes.
I pray a lot for guidance for myself, as well as others. This is objectively true – I’ve been there many times as it has happened. My best self comes out though when otherwise unchallenged by the immediate messiness of direct human relationships. I let my guard down when I’ve become happy. I think that because I had a good walk and a conversation with nature, that my day will then certainly go smoothly – that things are good in my world.
Beware! That’s when life decides to remind you that your work here is never done, but only just begun, anew. When things seem to be going well, that’s exactly when you need to get ready for some test. Getting “well” is just getting up some energy for a new test.
That’s what I believe today, anyhow – one might only speculate what I’ll believe tomorrow.