Always Unfinished

Every morning (almost like clockwork), the Universe tells me that I should wake up.

Sometimes a digital alarm is involved, and sometimes it is alarming thoughts about the time I have remaining here, brought on by curious dreams that pursue me as I emerge from sleep.

To know what’s truly at stake, in my effort to fully and finally awake…

I drove around today in a big loop, wondering how to break my cycles of enthusiasm and dread. I’m always too far in my own head for comfort – looking back into shame or regret, or trying to peer forward into the fog of possibility, uncertainty, worry, or inevitability. I can’t determine the nature of the fog – only that it is there wherever I look when I’m not paying attention to the present moment.

I see that our world needs help. I know that I have hands to help, and I try (I think). Who needs it the most? Starting from within, it would be me, so that I can be there for those closest by, and then, for an expanding array of others. The species may though might not matter. Pick someone – regardless of their bipedal-ness – and give them some time. Maybe that’s how the world is made better, by degrees.

Sometimes, that someone who needs your time the most is you. You will know when you’re asking for it from yourself, I think. Don’t ask me how I have come to believe this – I just presently do.

After that, go out and look for another in need of something you might currently have to give. I am speaking as much if not more to myself than to any other ReadWriter who might happen upon these words, after they’ve come to me from somewhere, to put down and then share.

As always, I am journaling sidelong toward something. Maybe some action involving my feet? Maybe something or someone in need of lifting.

I wrote recently about feeling like an adolescent, but there are days when I feel much more like a toddler. The spiritual onion has a lot of layers, I feel – it feels that way at times.

Toddlers are concerned for the most part with walking – taking steps with some purpose. The purpose is sometimes just learning to take steps – sometimes, there’s a real somewhere to go. Only the toddler knows.

I know I’m still trying to toddle to someplace, for somebody… or something.

Overwhelmed by the New of It All

This is a short report.

In case you have been wondering, there are more new things in the world today than there were yesterday. I think the rate of new things per day is increasing, but I can no longer detect the edges of anything, so I can’t be sure through direct, empirical observation.

I have a lot of work to do, and although I love that work, I can’t help but feel that I would be of greater value still to everybody and everything if I were to just go back to school for four-or-more years, to learn all the things I want to, and think that I might need to.

Except, the world would have moved on anyway while I was in class. The busses have left the station: I will not be a master 3D modeller / animator in my lifetime. I will not be sagely informed about machine learning and tensors and such (whatever a Tensor is). I will never be an accomplished musician.

I will never be an expert at anything.

This is going to have to be ok. There’s something perfectly double-edged about having so much to choose from in Life, that one can never expect to have it all (or even know what it all means). This is one of countless aspects of living in a full-spectrum environment that we are simply here to experience and accept.

Humility and pragmatism probably play a part in surviving the modern world, but I need to do some more research on that before making any rash decisions about being more humble, or pragmatic.

I’m late for something.

To Continue…